A street car named desire

"And she rode a street car named desire,leaving everything behind."

A street car named desire is a play written by Thomas Williams, It centers on a desolated woman named Blanche DuBois. Reared in Old South aristocratic traditions, she lived elegantly in the family homestead, married a man she adored, and pursued a career as an English teacher. But her life fell apart when she discovered that her husband, Allen Grey, was having a homosexual affair. Disgraced, he killed himself. Blanche sought comfort in the arms of other men, many men. After she had relations with one of her students, a 17-year-old, authorities learned of the encounter and fired her. Meanwhile, relatives died and she could not keep up the family home. Eventually, creditors seized it. The play begins when Blanche arrives in New Orleans to stay with her sister, Stella, and her crude, outspoken husband, Stanley Kowalski. Though scarred by her past, Blanche still tries to lead the life of an elegant lady and does her best, even lying when necessary, to keep up appearances.

Points to ponder:

The play was full of quotations,metaphors and symbolism. The streetcar that Blanche rode that was named desire was actually her inner desires. She wanted to break free from the past and live in a world of her own fantasies.

She thought she was the queen,the Lady of the roses but it was only her delusions and her sanity is slowly taking her.

Blanche lives in a cocoon of unreality to protect herself against her weaknesses and shortcomings. including her inability to repress untoward sexual desire. To preserve her ego, she lies about her promiscuous behavior in Laurel,she shuns bright light, lest it reveal her physical imperfections and she refuses to acknowledge her problem with alcohol.

The same way, we people use lies to deceit others,popularity to gain own interest. Basic human instinct, I called it. We are all somewhat like Blanche who hides behind our own made masks.

Facing the truth,hard it may be and accepting things that are beyond our thinking are some of life's lesson hidden in the play. We need to acknowledge our own being and stop pretending to be like others.

It's ironic to say that, we sometimes wish we are someone else,or doing something we never really wanted.

Frustrations come and go,lies are everywhere and precious moments doesn't last for a life time.

So smile often,take off that mask and took a lot of pictures. Write something you wanted and express your thoughts often. Carpe diem(Seize the day).

We don't like to lose our sanity like Blanche.I hope it makes sense.

And to end this blog with a quote from Blanche

"I was on the verge of — lunacy, almost!"

Rainy days

It was raining hard this past days,until now.

This might be nature's way of reminding the people to take good care of our habitat.

The electricity's out and slowly the day is covered with darkness. And as I opened the television as soon as the electricity was back,I was dumbstruck to saw in the news about the casualties of the typhoon that strike manila.

The number of casualties is still growing and a number of properties had been destroyed,sad to say.

We Filipinos are really weird, I guess so.On one hand, our nation had its common love for our Lord Jesus Christ,with churches filled with parishioners every Sunday. As I remember, our country is more than 85 percent Roman Catholics and Christians. Therefore that the Philippines is almost 85 percent heaven.Simplistic,perhaps but it sounds logical. And as I know the Philippines is the only Catholic nation in asia but it seems we are far pathetic than our neighboring countries maybe because of our lack of faith.

This typhoon had given us a lesson,never to abuse God's given gifts. We can't blame the river to flow or the streets to be flooded. Each of us is held responsible of our own doings.

Tons of garbage thrown in the rivers,squatter colonies are everywhere, I see billboards promoting sex and violence while attempting to promote products.Where are our Christian values people?

God has made stewards of His Creation but why are we destroying it?

Are we still Christians, or mere individuals who only care for ourself?

So many what ifs. and questions.

I hope we Filipinos had already learned something from this incident.

Positive views on the typhoon:

When I was little, I wanted what many normal children all over the country wanted. I wanted to have good clothes, many friends and a simple life with my family.

I also wanted everything even the moon who shines bright every night.I was still a child back then but I believe I can be a prince of my own world.

And I thought- if I just wished hard enough and was good enough, I'd wake up one day with all this dreams of my nostalgic childhood in reality.

And this typhoon had relieved my childhood experiences.This are the things I've been yearning for so long-quality time with my family.

I admire those family who lives under one roof,sharing warm cooked foods, contented with the simple things that they have. My childhood memories are still within me, until now. I have kept this so called childhood contentment.

I have been longing to be a child again, a child that is loved and cared for.

Because of the typhoon-

We had shared once again warm cooked foods under a single light from a candle.

It was simple but I was happy,very very happy.

Simple things are often ignored,people are consumed by materialistic possessions.

But for me,precious times matters most.

Thank you typhoon,you had given me another realization.

Rainy days,come and visit us again, I'll be always ready.

-Anton a.k.a. tonski

Monotonous

When he died, Juan found himself in an exquisite place, surrounded by all the comfort and beauty he had always dreamed of. A man dressed in white spoke to him:

‘You can have anything you want, any food, any pleasure, any diversion,’ he said.

Delighted, Juan did everything he had dreamed of doing while alive.
Then, after many years of pleasure, he again searched out the man in
white.

‘I’ve done everything I wanted to do. Now I need a job, so that I can feel useful,’ he said.

‘I’m sorry,’ replied the man in white. ‘But that is the one thing I can’t give you; there is no work here.’

‘How awful!’ said Juan angrily. ‘That means I’ll spend all eternity bored to death! I wish I was in Hell!’

The man in white came over to him and said softly:

‘And where exactly do you think you are, sir?’

Random things:

The little prince once quoted that: "My life is monotonous", was he trying to say that life become so boring or should I say life become meaningless.

I pity the little prince but I pity myself more,I can't find something to hold on to and I can't blame the little prince for feeling the same way that I did.

Still hoping for the best.

-Antonski

P.S. "To my beloved sister Carla,Thank you for teaching me how to dance in the rain" I don't want to forget my childhood simplicity you taught me, I don't like to act like a foolish adult who are only interested with investments,figures and popularity.

Wait for me up there,surely I'll be coming there soon.

A simple doll

This is an excerpt from the book I had written,titled:
A long road to forever

Chapter 4
A simple doll

It was late midnight in the streets of Westminster, Anton was driving around waiting for passengers. The gas meter was turning low and Anton needed to find a gasoline station for a refill.

Luckily, gas stations are found in every corner in the streets of Westminster. Anton found the nearest gas station, he had parked his car and made his gasoline full tank.The gas station where he had parked his cab has a nearby supermarket. Anton decided to buy some drinks and refreshments before he go.

As he enters the supermarket he saw all the people there. It was late midnight but still many people are buying stuffs.

He started to complain to himself.

“It is going to take forever here and I still have so many other things to do.”

Nonetheless, he made his way to the refreshments section, he grabbed some sodas and went immediately to the cashier but while on his way to the cashier, He had gone through the toy section and there he noticed a young boy.

The boy caught his attention. The boy of about 7 years old, was pressing a doll against his chest. He kept on touching the hair of the doll and looked so sad.

Anton was thinking why the little boy wanted that doll considering he was a boy.

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him,

“Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?”

Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, Anton started to walk toward him and I asked him who he wanted to give this doll to.

“Today is my sister’s birthday.” The boy said.

“It is the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for her birthday.”

“You can buy your sister a doll next year. You can save some money for the whole year and buy a bigger doll instead.” Anton replied.

The boy immediately replied.

“No, I have to give this doll to my father so that he can give it to her when he goes there.”

His eyes were so sad while saying this.

“My sister has gone to be with God. Mommy says that Daddy will also go to see God very soon, so I thought that he could bring the doll with her to give it to my sister.”

Anton’s heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at him and said.

“I told mommy to tell daddy not to go yet. I asked daddy to wait until I come back from the supermarket.”

Then he showed Anton a very nice photo of him where he was laughing.

He then told Anton, “I also want daddy to take this photo with him so that they will not forget me.”

“I love my daddy and I wish he doesn't have to leave me but mommy says that he has to go to be with my little sister.”

Then the little boy looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. Anton quickly reached for his wallet and took a few cash and said to the boy, “What if we checked again, just in case if you have enough money?”

“Ok,” he said. “I hope that I have enough.”

Anton added some of his money to the boy’s money without him seeing and they started to count it.
There was enough for the doll, and even some spare money.

The little boy’s eye grew big, like a puppy’s eye.

Then he said, “Thank you God for giving me enough money.”

He looked at Anton and added.

“I asked yesterday before I slept for God to make sure I have enough money to buy this doll so that daddy can give it to my sister. He heard me.”

“I also wanted to have enough money to buy a handkerchief for my daddy, but I didn't dare to ask God too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and the handkerchief.”

“You know, my daddy needs a handkerchief up there.”

A few minutes later, the old lady came again and Anton left with his trolley filled with sodas. He went to the cashier in a totally different state. He couldn't get the little boy out of his mind.

Then he remembered a local newspaper article 2 days ago, which mentioned of a drunk man in a truck who hit a car where there was one man and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the father was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-assisting machine, because the man would not be able to get out of the coma.

He was thinking ..Was this the family of the little boy?

Anton went out of the supermarket and started to drive. His mind was really bothering him and he wanted to find out if his instincts are true.

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, He read in the newspaper that a man had passed away. He couldn't stop and went to buy a bunch of white roses and he went to the mortuary where the body of the young man was exposed for people to see and make last wish before burial.

Anton knew the place, without hesitation, he drive immediately to the place.

He was there, in his coffin, holding a beautiful handkerchief in his hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over his chest.

Anton left the place crying, He realized that in a fraction of a second, a drunken man had taken all away the child’s family, leaving the child only his mother. That man had taken the little boy's happiness.

Back from hiatus

It's been a while since I posted an entry to my blogspot. I'm back from a long hiatus because I had realized that I have been a slave of this so called "computer". Everyday I need to open my emails,friendster account and other social network sites. It seems that my life revolves around technology and I don't want to wake up one morning,as a slave of this freaking gadgets or should I say technological advancement.

And most of you know the social network site twitter,honestly I thinks it's stupid.

For those who don't know what it is, Twitter is a social site where anyone and everyone can post short messages about what they are doing at any given time. This may sound cynical, nonsense or even rude, but I honestly don't care what most people are doing every five minutes. I don't even pay attention to what I am doing every five minutes, let alone go out of my way to post about it.And what I mean is,people are so focused on this social sites,forgetting other important matters.How I wish people could realize this.

And another thing,I just recently turned 21,lol.Time flies so fast and I'm still gliding on to life without a clue.

Cheers tonski.Remember to stay happy, oh well I'm talking to myself again haha.

Random things:

Recently I've been doing some thinking and much of this thinking revolves around the idea of "home". I'm not talking about the differences of home from house. I'm talking about the deeper sense of the word. Home, as I have always seen it, is a place where you know you belong.

I don't have that. At least not by that definition. I was born in Makati and grew up in the center of distractions and modernization,Manila.My parents have since moved back there and the majority of my relatives had gone to Manila searching for job opportunities. When I go back to visit my province which is Leyte,I truly enjoy it. It's a place where I can get away from most things, time slows a bit and relaxation is much easier. Is this my home? It was, but I can honestly say I doubt I could ever live there again. It's too small, too different. I love it there, but it is less my home and more of my sanctuary.

Is everyone meant to have a home? I honestly can't picture a place right now where I can say, "That is my home, that is where I'm meant to be." Maybe that's the point, I haven't found a home yet. I don't have the feeling of home because I have yet to find the place I'm meant to be.

On for now, I believe my home is where my feet touch the ground.

-Antonski

Tears in Heaven

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
(Matthew 11:28)

ECG's flat,Vital signs are down and negative signs of life. She left us last February 16,2008. It was only last year.She was young,full of life and dreams. She was our life.

God took her from us.I know He had a reason for taking away my precious sister. Maybe Carla needed eternal rest too, and He gave it to her.

I'm still longing for my younger sister's smiles and hugs. I miss her.

And I know everytime it rains, my sister is crying up there, maybe because she misses us too.

And for all those reading this blog,everytime it rains,look up in the sky and ask yourselves:Isn't it hard to catch all those falling tears?

It may sound absurd and no grown up will ever understand this matter of great importance.

But I do...

And now a year have already gone by,I have never yet told this story, only a few may know this.

Now my sorrow is comforted a little,not entirely.

This is to me, the loveliest and loneliest picture in earth,not everyone may approve it but for me,it really does.

Everytime I look at this picture, I can't help myself but cry.

Look at it carefully so that you will surely recognize it in case you go places. My sister is the young girl at the left of the picture. Then if ever you saw someone resembling like her,you would know who she is. Please comfort me and send me words that she has come back.

I know she will give me one last hug.

-Anton

September blues

Don't know how to start but it seems that,thoughts are coming out of my mind.

In a few days I'll be turning 21 and I'm as clueless as ever as to where my life is going right now. For starters, I've been working for a couple of months now and yet the only thing I can say I truly owned would be my cellphone. Yes, you heard it right, just my cellphone.

I had lived in a closely knitted family.My mother had been very supportive maybe that’s why I feel invincible sometimes. I was never afraid to take chances because I know when I fail, I can always take my refuge at home. I really love having options or should I say plan B's. The feeling that you can and you have the power to change the course of your life at your hand.

I already had some trainings recently, my basic life support with cpr in Red cross manila was the latest because I have this urge to keep myself busy,routines are killing me. It seems that my life is monotonous and everyday I'm searching for something,something that will give meaning to my existence.

Seriously though, I feel like I'm gliding through life without a clue. My so called "memory blues" are attacking me again and can't help myself but to write, write and write until I express my thoughts into words.

Everyday I face the world with a big smile,pretending I'm just fine but deep inside there is this piece of loneliness. Maybe I've mastered the ability to block away any pain and I've successfully taught myself to be used to being left behind. I may sound pathetic but it's quite true.

This pain hurts badly, And now, I can't stop this tears from falling.,it sucks...my life sucks...everything sucks. I don't want to force anything anymore. I don't want to settle with anything that comes my way thinking that I would never get a chance to have one again. Then regret everything later.

September blues...leave me alone.

And for once, i just want to be happy again just like the good old days of my childhood.

-anton