Dysphoria

I'm so disheartened this past few days, I want to cry and give up. Stupid heart,please stop beating even once. Or should I blame my pituitary gland for excreting endorphins that keeps me falling too much in love.

 

If she's not happy with me anymore, I can't blame her, It's all my fault. I do love her so much up to the point I tried to keep track of my weight, get a good haircut and  try to look neat, try to put on a good/decent dress, just for her... its just that I can't keep up with people's expectations.

And now I'm starting to understand bit by bit that there will always be this person who had her a long time ago. Who made her heart beat once. Who will always had her even when she's already mine.

And Will I be able to bear more pain. If someday I need to set her free?

 

Why do I need to fall this much and bear all this pain. Why do  I need to catch a  bright star if I could content myself just seeing it every night. Maybe that bright star above fills my heart with simple joys and contentment... and when everything falls down, maybe looking up and wishing I was there is just a glimpse of hope.

Closer

I can't take my eyes off  you.

I can't take my mind off  you.

Did I say that I miss you?

Did I say that I want to leave it all behind just to be with you?

Days, months,years and counting

Hold onto love that is what I'm doing now that I've found you. 

And in the night, I could be helpless, I could be lonely, sleeping without you.

And I wouldn't feel so used. But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.I just wanna badly be with you. For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you.

Before I say another word let me tell you I love you. Let me hold you close and hug you tight and whisper these words as sweet as I can.

Anton :) (http://antonnoblesseoblige.blogspot.com)

Back on track

I'd like to believe that this is my month. I remember starting this blog a few years ago as a way of expressing my feelings. 

I was lost, I'm not broke but I was a brokenhearted man way back then.

I promise myself to never love again but I was brave enough to give love another try.

 And I'm so much happy that I took the chance.

- Anton

February blues

"Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me. And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be.Thinking maybe you'll come back to the place that we meet. You will see me waiting for you on a corner of the street."

I miss you dear.

Happiness

There's really not much to write about but I feel like spewing out words and hope that they make sense. My life's been so steady these days sometimes I actually feel like I'm floating on air and doing nothing.

The same thoughts run through my head over and over. What do I really want to do? Am I really happy with what I'm doing? Should I start looking for what I really want? Or should I just stop thinking about these things and actually try to just live with what I have? Certain questions that keeps on haunting my mind.

The attempt at making sense has been evidently futile. While I gather my thoughts and wait for providence to manifest its powers, I started to reminisce past experiences.  

Happiness was with me all these years of my life. I may not be that rich, yet I grew up without having to bother about the basic necessities of life. I went to a good school having a bright classroom. Yet under the same blue sky, how many children have to struggle against the threats of war, hunger and disease. I realized how insignificant my self pity was.

And for my dear jeane:


People say that someday someone will come in your life and showed you life in a much brighter perspective.

Then you came unexpectedly and caught my attention, and showed me life in a more meaningful way.

Guess I'm just too lucky or is it really meant to be?

But what's more important thing, you should know is that, I LOVE YOU..so much..
-Anton

Streams of thought

I haven't written anything in a while. Not that it matters though. I'm just... I don't even know.It's like my life is a series of routine, seriously though I'm starting to get used to this life. I'll vent out my life's complications some other time, but in the mean time, I just want to write and express my feelings into words.

Coherency eludes me. In my mind is a constant stream of thoughts - worries, actually. It's a challenge to keep being positive when the world doesn't seem to conform with your desires. 

It's been often said that the best way to be happy is to forget past regrets, avoid worrying about the future and focus on the present instead. I've never been  practicing that. But lately it's been very difficult to think about the future. It also hasn't been easy to remember the past. I wish the present would stand still. 

There's nothing I want more than to make the present stay where it is. I often wonder which is worst: being the one leaving or the one left behind? I have experienced both. And the latter, it's not something anyone would wish to go through.

 

Memories are killing me deep inside. I don't want to rush on things just like what I did before.

I just want to stand still and enjoy things right now. 

Okay, enough for this emo-ness. Honestly I just want to erase certain memories in my head that keeps me waking up in the middle of the night. 

I know, I know it was my fault. I exerted too much effort during the courting process but I ended up being fooled by a girl whom I gave everything, whom I promise to catch each and every stars in the sky just to give her. The girl whom I waited for hours in the bus stop just to accompany her home safe.

All I want now is to make the present stay where it is. My hopes are high that I know this time I made the right choice.

Stay happy my dear jeane.

From the deepest voice of my heart,  I love you.

-Anton

Dear Jeane

For almost a number of  days or should I say months, we have been together I felt euphoria once again. I knew I was in love once again. I can still remember when it started- certain circumstances made us meet, perhaps or because destiny just let it be. What I really know is that we were just mere co-nurses back then. I was your silent admirer, "di mo lang alam yan".

I was contented sharing smiles and conversations with you but I never expect that I will fall in love this much. "Natuwa ako ng naging mas malapit ako sayo." I knew you are different, simply unique among the girls I met. "Siguro dahil marami kang talent, haha :), masayahin, totoo sa sarili." I myself could not answer my inner voice telling me: "Bakit mo pa siya nagustuhan?"

I know destiny doesn't play tricks but I'm happy both our roads met in the same direction. "Matagal tagal na din akong di nakapagsulat ng ganito". Sorry for the bad english or grammatical lapses. Words can't describe how much I love you. "Napapa english na naman ako,haha :)"

And if ever our roads separate, I'll always be there for you.. I promise.


-Anton