Dysphoria

I'm so disheartened this past few days, I want to cry and give up. Stupid heart,please stop beating even once. Or should I blame my pituitary gland for excreting endorphins that keeps me falling too much in love.

 

If she's not happy with me anymore, I can't blame her, It's all my fault. I do love her so much up to the point I tried to keep track of my weight, get a good haircut and  try to look neat, try to put on a good/decent dress, just for her... its just that I can't keep up with people's expectations.

And now I'm starting to understand bit by bit that there will always be this person who had her a long time ago. Who made her heart beat once. Who will always had her even when she's already mine.

And Will I be able to bear more pain. If someday I need to set her free?

 

Why do I need to fall this much and bear all this pain. Why do  I need to catch a  bright star if I could content myself just seeing it every night. Maybe that bright star above fills my heart with simple joys and contentment... and when everything falls down, maybe looking up and wishing I was there is just a glimpse of hope.

Closer

I can't take my eyes off  you.

I can't take my mind off  you.

Did I say that I miss you?

Did I say that I want to leave it all behind just to be with you?

Days, months,years and counting

Hold onto love that is what I'm doing now that I've found you. 

And in the night, I could be helpless, I could be lonely, sleeping without you.

And I wouldn't feel so used. But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.I just wanna badly be with you. For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you.

Before I say another word let me tell you I love you. Let me hold you close and hug you tight and whisper these words as sweet as I can.

Anton :) (http://antonnoblesseoblige.blogspot.com)

Back on track

I'd like to believe that this is my month. I remember starting this blog a few years ago as a way of expressing my feelings. 

I was lost, I'm not broke but I was a brokenhearted man way back then.

I promise myself to never love again but I was brave enough to give love another try.

 And I'm so much happy that I took the chance.

- Anton

February blues

"Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me. And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be.Thinking maybe you'll come back to the place that we meet. You will see me waiting for you on a corner of the street."

I miss you dear.

Happiness

There's really not much to write about but I feel like spewing out words and hope that they make sense. My life's been so steady these days sometimes I actually feel like I'm floating on air and doing nothing.

The same thoughts run through my head over and over. What do I really want to do? Am I really happy with what I'm doing? Should I start looking for what I really want? Or should I just stop thinking about these things and actually try to just live with what I have? Certain questions that keeps on haunting my mind.

The attempt at making sense has been evidently futile. While I gather my thoughts and wait for providence to manifest its powers, I started to reminisce past experiences.  

Happiness was with me all these years of my life. I may not be that rich, yet I grew up without having to bother about the basic necessities of life. I went to a good school having a bright classroom. Yet under the same blue sky, how many children have to struggle against the threats of war, hunger and disease. I realized how insignificant my self pity was.

And for my dear jeane:


People say that someday someone will come in your life and showed you life in a much brighter perspective.

Then you came unexpectedly and caught my attention, and showed me life in a more meaningful way.

Guess I'm just too lucky or is it really meant to be?

But what's more important thing, you should know is that, I LOVE YOU..so much..
-Anton

Streams of thought

I haven't written anything in a while. Not that it matters though. I'm just... I don't even know.It's like my life is a series of routine, seriously though I'm starting to get used to this life. I'll vent out my life's complications some other time, but in the mean time, I just want to write and express my feelings into words.

Coherency eludes me. In my mind is a constant stream of thoughts - worries, actually. It's a challenge to keep being positive when the world doesn't seem to conform with your desires. 

It's been often said that the best way to be happy is to forget past regrets, avoid worrying about the future and focus on the present instead. I've never been  practicing that. But lately it's been very difficult to think about the future. It also hasn't been easy to remember the past. I wish the present would stand still. 

There's nothing I want more than to make the present stay where it is. I often wonder which is worst: being the one leaving or the one left behind? I have experienced both. And the latter, it's not something anyone would wish to go through.

 

Memories are killing me deep inside. I don't want to rush on things just like what I did before.

I just want to stand still and enjoy things right now. 

Okay, enough for this emo-ness. Honestly I just want to erase certain memories in my head that keeps me waking up in the middle of the night. 

I know, I know it was my fault. I exerted too much effort during the courting process but I ended up being fooled by a girl whom I gave everything, whom I promise to catch each and every stars in the sky just to give her. The girl whom I waited for hours in the bus stop just to accompany her home safe.

All I want now is to make the present stay where it is. My hopes are high that I know this time I made the right choice.

Stay happy my dear jeane.

From the deepest voice of my heart,  I love you.

-Anton

Dear Jeane

For almost a number of  days or should I say months, we have been together I felt euphoria once again. I knew I was in love once again. I can still remember when it started- certain circumstances made us meet, perhaps or because destiny just let it be. What I really know is that we were just mere co-nurses back then. I was your silent admirer, "di mo lang alam yan".

I was contented sharing smiles and conversations with you but I never expect that I will fall in love this much. "Natuwa ako ng naging mas malapit ako sayo." I knew you are different, simply unique among the girls I met. "Siguro dahil marami kang talent, haha :), masayahin, totoo sa sarili." I myself could not answer my inner voice telling me: "Bakit mo pa siya nagustuhan?"

I know destiny doesn't play tricks but I'm happy both our roads met in the same direction. "Matagal tagal na din akong di nakapagsulat ng ganito". Sorry for the bad english or grammatical lapses. Words can't describe how much I love you. "Napapa english na naman ako,haha :)"

And if ever our roads separate, I'll always be there for you.. I promise.


-Anton

Fate

Euphoria., Yes I know I'm happy,really happy right now. I'm feeling this so called thing we called "LOVE" again after years of solitude and bitterness.

-Anton, RN,RM,MSN 

:)

Learning to breathe

City lights that shine bright outside. The smell of nicotine in the cold breeze. My dark room that is filled with questions. Questions from within,that I myself couldn't answer.

And as My chemical romance's Cancer, keeps on playing on the audio. I can't help myself but cry.

There are still times, I can remember my younger sister and honestly, she is one of the very few things that keeps me going on with life. She became my motivation to pursue my goals not just for myself but for my family.

I'm tired of crying, I can hide this emotions but deep inside I'm dying, I'm longing, I'm yearning.

I miss everything

-Anton

Taste of bitterness

"Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you".

Lyrics from Cancer of My chemical romance. Sad but true
- Anton

To God be the Glory

God is indeed good.

I'll be forever thankful for all the Blessings,God the Father has given me.


- Anton Jay T. Tan, RN,RM
  Nurse 2- Sta.Ana Hospital

The Air King is back

It's been a long hiatus. Sorry for not updating my blog often. I wanted to keep away from the blogosphere and now I'm back again. 

And as a registered nurse, I think its much easier to explain things in a charting format. :) 

Nurses notes:

> Hospital volunteer days are over. Its been 5 months since I volunteered at that public hospital. I learned a lot from it. I started from scratch and now I can say it proudly that I improve.

> Staff nurse position ahead of me. God Help me. I'm just waiting for a call from the hospital. More prayers for me.

 > Midwifery Licensure examination is a few days from now. I know I can make it once again with God's help. 

> Schooling at june at UERM. I hope I can manage to enroll on time.

> Time is running, I'm still on the verge of curiosity and questions but in due time I'll know all the answers in my questions.

  

" Therefore I will proclaim your name, O Lord among the nations, and I will sing praise to your name"                           

                                                                                          2 Sm 22:50

-Anton

Untitled

Right now, I'm starting to formulate this unusual words trying to make a sensible sentence.

Right now I'm on the cross road of my life, thinking what I will be a few years from now.

Right now I'm still hoping for a simple life.

Right now I can barely continue to write.

Right now,All I want is my life, I lost it somewhere and I'm looking for it again.

-Anton

The past,The present and counting

I wish I could turn back time and change some things at my past.

I wish I could smile wholeheartedly and greet the morning sun.

I wish I never felt this numb and lonely.

Things are not going smoothly,change is inevitable and I'm still afraid to accept it.

I'm so tired, I want to be back on track,help me God.

-Anton

Chocolates and Flowers:post Valentine

Hearts day or the ever famous Valentines day had made its way again. And I know I'm late for this valentines' post. 

Yes, yes I know I wanted to feel this so called thing we called "love" again. I wanted to celebrate again V-day with flowers and chocolates in my hand. The feeling that you'll be making someone happy with these presents, and the smiles you'll be sharing, the sweet " I love you and I do".

And I know I'm one of those person who patiently waits, I do love to give this special someone every single thing that could make her happy.I'm a part of a group who have tried their luck in love, you would know that it doesn't always happen the way you want it to. It's not all about the good times and the I'm always here for you statements or even the sweetest promises. More often than not, love leaves you hanging or at least the person you love does. 

In other words, Love hurts in spite the efforts you made. It's a rational truth that is hard to accept

This might be the reason I'm still afraid to fall in love again.

And if ever the love angel hears my plead: "I'm still here waiting."

-anton 

Dull

A lot of things happen lately. I'm still volunteering at a public hospital in Manila. Its been a couple of months since I started. I haven't even updated my blog, sorry for those who are still visiting my site.

Sigh. Life sometimes is so dull. Plain and simple. 

I'ts just like that your life revolves around a small routine.

Home- Hospital duty-Sleep/Eat- Wake up and do the same thing again. I'm not tired of doing this things maybe I just need something new I can spend some time with.

-Anton

I'm looking forward for this job opportunity ahead of me.Nurse 1 position. Help me God, guide me always. I know I passed the final interview and with Your Good Grace,surely I'll make it.

Senti

"Mahal ka ba niya talaga?"

Tas sinabi mong : 

"Wag mo akong iwan,ayaw kong mag isa."

Ok lang sakin na abutin ng umaga, LAHAT AY GAGAWIN PARA KA LANG MAPASAYA..

Nagtataka ako, nag seselos..

"Mahal ka ba niya talaga?"

Dahil ako MAHAL KITA.

MAHAL NA MAHAL...

-anton

Take me to Neverland

I don't know how to start. All I want is to go to Neverland, a place where no one grew up.

I guess this is just my way of escaping my thoughts.
_____________________________________________________
Random:

Days are counting, and I still don't have the guts to convey my feelings. Maybe I'm just shy or  I'm one of those typical "torpe". I really don't care much about if my friends call me like this but deep inside I know I'm wasting my time waiting for the right time to propose to this lovely lady.

Indeed, I'm longing to have someone.I have my family and friends but this someone I'm talking about is,someone whom I can talk to,share my dreams and would give me a hug during the cold nights of my life.

I would love to have someone I can hit the outskirts of the city with, watch last full shows, overlook the city and just talk about anything and everything. Someone who thinks that there is a Supreme Being. This someone should smile a lot. And it seems that this someone is unique. I know she is and she will always be.

But what hurts most is that I can't tell her what I feel.

As the guy, I was expected to make the first move. Eventually, I got too good at lying to myself. Telling myself to wait more for the right time. When will be this right time, I know I'm just making excuses and I can't fool myself. The system in me just wanted to break loose and shout to the world that I'm a dirtbag.

And maybe Neverland was also an excuse.

But even for once, How I wish Peter pan can bring me and this someone to Neverland, where we can stay forever,happily.

Anton :) <3

Start of A new Horizon

Many Years down and forever to go. Cheers to 2010. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone with a BANG,BANG BANG.

                                                                            -antonski

I have been living on this place we called earth for 21 years. And for this past years, my life has been boring, monotonous perhaps but what could I ask more from Him. I have everything I need in life.Family, friends and persons that makes me smile, just to name a few.

And I was thinking of not writing an entry for the new year  just because ennui is taking over me but  I  realized that I have lots of realizations this year that I need to share to everyone.

I just pinch myself and started to remember that I don’t live along Mayon Volcano. I haven’t set foot in Mindanao, much less Maguindanao. I didn’t get A(H1N1). My family was spared from the wrath of Ondoy and most of all I'm still breathing right now.Lucky,right? All thanks to Him.

So much for the emo introduction. This year has been fruitful.I graduated from college, earned my BSN degree and most of all I'm now a Registered nurse but over the past months, I constantly felt that my life was heading to a tunnel of inevitability wherein I have to make a choice to continue my profession or pursue first other goals in life. It was hard, really hard to find a job in hospitals, the competition is getting harder as thousands of new registered nurses are produced every year.

And I don't want to work on jobs not related to nursing or medical field.I prefer to be a journalist if  there are no options left anymore rather than a call center agent. Thank God that I'm a volunteer in a public hospital.I'm still practicing my profession without any monetary compensation but I'm happy. The experience I'm learning is worth it.Volunteer you may call it but I call it my calling.

I know there are lots of opportunities laying in wait; other doors that remain to be opened. And yet, underneath this facade of calmness and sobriety, those cliches hurt.Reality hurts a lot. In a bitter moment, I realized that no matter how high the standards you set for yourself, there are still obstacles along the way. I just had to accept that my profession is a trend nowadays and its hard to find a job.

The clock is ticking and a few minutes from now,it's new year. The sky will be filled with fireworks and peoples hope of a better life. As  I reminisce things during the past 21 years of life. I know, I still have lots to learn.

Together with all my wishful thinking. I want to greet everyone a happy and prosperous year.

BANG!