Start of A new Horizon

Many Years down and forever to go. Cheers to 2010. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone with a BANG,BANG BANG.

                                                                            -antonski

I have been living on this place we called earth for 21 years. And for this past years, my life has been boring, monotonous perhaps but what could I ask more from Him. I have everything I need in life.Family, friends and persons that makes me smile, just to name a few.

And I was thinking of not writing an entry for the new year  just because ennui is taking over me but  I  realized that I have lots of realizations this year that I need to share to everyone.

I just pinch myself and started to remember that I don’t live along Mayon Volcano. I haven’t set foot in Mindanao, much less Maguindanao. I didn’t get A(H1N1). My family was spared from the wrath of Ondoy and most of all I'm still breathing right now.Lucky,right? All thanks to Him.

So much for the emo introduction. This year has been fruitful.I graduated from college, earned my BSN degree and most of all I'm now a Registered nurse but over the past months, I constantly felt that my life was heading to a tunnel of inevitability wherein I have to make a choice to continue my profession or pursue first other goals in life. It was hard, really hard to find a job in hospitals, the competition is getting harder as thousands of new registered nurses are produced every year.

And I don't want to work on jobs not related to nursing or medical field.I prefer to be a journalist if  there are no options left anymore rather than a call center agent. Thank God that I'm a volunteer in a public hospital.I'm still practicing my profession without any monetary compensation but I'm happy. The experience I'm learning is worth it.Volunteer you may call it but I call it my calling.

I know there are lots of opportunities laying in wait; other doors that remain to be opened. And yet, underneath this facade of calmness and sobriety, those cliches hurt.Reality hurts a lot. In a bitter moment, I realized that no matter how high the standards you set for yourself, there are still obstacles along the way. I just had to accept that my profession is a trend nowadays and its hard to find a job.

The clock is ticking and a few minutes from now,it's new year. The sky will be filled with fireworks and peoples hope of a better life. As  I reminisce things during the past 21 years of life. I know, I still have lots to learn.

Together with all my wishful thinking. I want to greet everyone a happy and prosperous year.

BANG!

Shades of life

Dear God,

       It's been a while since I talked to You. Sorry for being busy this past weeks that I forgot to meditate and breathe for a while. Things are going good and I'm proud to say that I'm contented in my life right now. Thank you for the Blessings. With Your good will,  may I have a good job this coming year and earn enough for my studies.

  Your Son,

Anton

Just my luck

I can't paint a single word or maybe I just don't know how to describe my emotion right now.

I'm so happy and smiling big like a crescent moon.

Euphoria, I'm feeling it again. I don't know if everything will go well this time.

Reading past diaries of someone special. Little by little I'm starting to know more about her. It's really my luck to discover this things.

She was really a nice girl way back then and until now. I never expect that I'll fall this much.

I'm trying to put a rhyme on my words but I can't. I guess my happiness hit me hard.

Maybe I just need to end this rhyme and had a good sleep this time.

antonnoblesseoblige.blogspot.com

Nurses notes

I manage to blog today, Thank God.

Year 2009 is ending a few days from now. Its too early to write a end of the year article right now but it seems that this year had thought me a lot of things and I want to share some of it.

Nurses notes:

1. Never expect anything in return. Yes, you hear it right.Just give and give until it hurts. Be good and kind to everybody and it will return to you a hundred fold.

2. Love hurts but hatred hurts more. Just let go of things that has cause pain in you. Be thankful that you had learned something from it.

3. Dream high and reach for it. What you had right now are Blessings from Him. Don't be shy to ask more just make it sure that you'll work for it.

4.Never be afraid to be different. Laugh out loud, take a lot of pictures, wear a weird cloth. We only had one life. Lets enjoy it to the fullest.

5. And most of all, value the people around you.

I got a lot more of random realizations. I'll share it on my next post. Hope you guys are all safe and happy.

P.S.
> Nurse 1 position in Ospital of Santa Ana. Pray for me guys,Interview is near.

"All we need is a simple smile"            -Antonski

Melancholy strikes

"Its been a couple of months since she left,the scent of her perfume and the light of her face still lingers.Melancholy strikes again and all I can do is to express this feelings into words. We both know that it will be the end.I'm glad we both part ways..I wish her well."

Dearest princess,

It's so difficult to know how and where to begin. I've been thinking long and hard through many ideas trying to find a way.

I finally struck one little thought, a simple story, through which I have been able to think clearly and find understanding, if not satisfaction, and I want to share it with you.

This is a story about a frog who was dying, and the princess who saved his life. Like most typical fairy tale stories we had read, the frog who was dying was saved by a lovely princess. And later on, the frog would turn to a prince because of a kiss from a princess.

How does this apply to us, you may ask, if you haven't already guessed.

I see us stuck in a never-ending fairy tale. I see myself as the lucky frog who was saved from my solitude and monotonous life and you are the one and only princess who I owe my life. The story sounds different in a sense that, my story or should I say our story could be started with this line: "This is a story of a handsome prince who saved a lovely princess from dying." The stereotype opening of a happy ending fairy tale.

How I wish I was a prince, I come to think of it that certain things are just illusions of this world of reality. We are not living in a world of castles, horses, princesses and prince, we live in a world of reality in which everything bites, everything is real. I just had to accept this things.

I have a record of our time together, and have taken a long and honest look at it. It had made me smile and some even saddened me, but it has been helpful in facing the truth. I look back to the days in early June, and the months that followed.That was our days, and it was beautiful. We are both happy I believe. Then there were also conflicts and misunderstandings, inexplicable cutoffs—and the equally fierce avoidance.

Away and apart or together and apart, it is too unhappy. I am watching myself become a person who cries a lot, a person who even must cry a lot, for it almost seems that pity is necessary before kindness is possible. Everyday I face the world with a big smile and positive outlook but still there is this piece of loneliness deep within my heart.

I hope you will not see this as the breaking of my promise but rather the continuation of the many, many endings you and I have begun. I'm always here for you, loving silently even though I'm still the same old frog. I think it is something we both know must be. I must accept that I have failed in my efforts to let you know how much I care and loved you.

My precious princess, this is said softly, even ten­derly and lovingly. And my soft tones do not camouflage an underlying anger: they are real. There are no accusa­tions, no blames or faults. I am simply trying to under­stand, and to stop the pain. I am staling what I have been forced to accept that loving is just a part of living and not all stories had their happy endings.

Goodbye my life, Goodbye my happiness, Goodbye.

Despite the pain, I'm happy to have known you in this special way, and will always treasure the time we've had together. I have grown with you, and learned much from you, and I know I have made major positive contribu­tions to you. We are both better people for having touched one another.

You had thought me many things, I believe that I become more sensitive to others feelings.
I learned that It is by not always thinking of yourself, if you can manage it, that you might somehow be happy. Until you make room in your life for someone as important to you as yourself, you will always be searching and somehow fulfilled.

I don't want to end this letter, there are still many things I still like to share with you but at this late juncture, it occurs to me that a chess meta­phor might also be useful. Chess is a game in which each party has its own singular objective even as it engages the other; a mid-game in which a struggle develops and intensifies and bits and pieces of each side are lost, both sides diminished; an end-game. Both the king and the queen are lost in this game.

I am still your friend, your frog, your prince as I know you are mine. You are my princess, my thunder, my life, my happiness. I wrote this letter with a heart full of the deep and sincere love for you,as well as profound sor­row that an opportunity so filled with promise, so rare and so beautiful, had to go unfulfilled.

-Anton

Random:

>The letter above was written aeon's of years.lol sorry for exaggerating.

>Christmas is in the air. Enjoy the season of sharing guys.

GodBless us all.

Abstract

It seems that I lost my place in the real world.I had been busy this past weeks and forgot to breathe for a while.

And what's more surprising is that most of us are slowly taken by this routines.We became more materialistic rather than realist.Or are we still looking for our identity in this big world? Doing things just to stay in trend might be the answer of this behavior.I got a lot of questions right now in my mind but it seems that this meager space is not enough to tell it all.

Maybe, I just wanted to get out of the trend and breathe fresh air again.There are things I miss,simple things that are often ignored by society.

Just like this things:

>Sleeping in class and waking up just to read a few lines from the white board then sleep again.

>Re-reading sweet messages from my cellphone to make my day.

>Attending class overnights to finish school paper works but ending up sleeping the whole night.

>The noise in the school corridors,the smell of chalks and the chit-chats during lunch time.

>The time when friendster took the world and now facebook is taking all our lives.

>Watching movies and series in dvd's and buying cd's in quiapo.

>Using our i.d. to draw a line in our geometry assignments.

>The time when all enjoy eating together in the family table sharing cooked foods rather than eating outside alone in fancy restaurants.

This are some of the things that what makes us human,it was the trend way back and until now, we are part of it.

But I had realized that I appreciate life in a different way,the best things in life are free.Family,friends,the sun,moon and stars and everything around us.

And most of all I need to breathe again.

-Anton

Random

I'm now staring at this blank space,thinking of something significant to write.My fingers are numb,my eyes are teary and my whole body is tired from work.

I continue to breathe and look above the ceiling. It didn't even give me a clue. I turned around and saw my bed and it was telling me to sleep but I still resisted, I need to write something,something worth sharing.

Then something crossed my mind.I was thinking about the concept of death. It may sound weird but I can help myself thinking of it. I have seen my love ones left and I don't even know what will happen to me after death. No one can answer this mystery.

Honestly,I'm not afraid to die,the only thing I'm scared of is losing the people I love. 

Things were different before. And as I try to reminisce my past experiences.My experiences molded me of what I am today.I learned from it and I'm thankful that God had touched me in one way or another.

The hardest part of death are goodbyes.Deaths are endings. We cry during funerals because we will miss our loved ones, we will miss their smiles,how they cheer us but if we came to think about it,in some ways,we become selfish.We don't owe our families,friends and everyone around us. God the Supreme Being owns us.

But during the time that my sister was on ICU. I was praying hard to Him. I never prayed that hard ever since in my life. I wanted Him to give my sister some more years to live. I become selfish that time but I can't blame myself, if only I could trade my life for her, I would gladly accept the deal. He took her from us. I was full of regrets.My reaction was a complete denial. It may be normal in the initial stage of the grieving process but the pain of separation from someone you love hurts more. Its the pain that even medicines can't cure.

I still miss her. 

I can't questioned God and I know He is always right. And now, slowly I'm still coping with this pain. 

Death holds a mystery and eternity is beyond man's understanding. I'll be ready to meet death with a smile. I'll be reuniting with my Creator in a paradise full of happiness.

P.S.
Need to get a lot of sleep.I'm sleeping during the day and working at night in the Hospital. Need to adjust my body clock.

`Anton(antonnoblesseoblige.blogspot.com)

Tired

And He said:

"Cast your burdens upon Me, Those who are heavily laden."

"Come to Me all of you who are tired of carrying heavy loads."

Yes Lord, I'm tired, Please help me carry my cross.

-Anton

November starts

Christmas is in the air. The cold breeze of Christmas is everywhere but before anything else, I would like to greet everyone a : 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

May all our departed love ones rest in peace. They are all now in a nice place we called heaven, so let us pray for them and always remember to stay happy.

Random things:

It's been a couple of months ever since I felt this way. She's all I think about. Seriously though even in dreams, I can still feel her warm presence. Dreams are products of our subconscious mind. What I mean is that, our subconscious mind keeps this fragile memories we kept on suppressing. We can fool ourselves but not our mind. 

And to clear things,Honestly I think I'm falling deeply in love. I even told myself that I would give one more try in a relationship after a year  because I have this fear of  taking chances but I believe God is telling me that I don't need that much time. 

And now, I know I'm ready but all I have are hopes and wishes.

I hope she felts the same way I did. I wish that she thinks about me too. She really is kind,sweet and pretty inside and out. She even deserves a better guy  rather than a good for nothing Anton  and I may sound selfish but I still wanted to have her in my own arms. 

She's the nicest thing I have ever seen. Guess I'm just lucky I met her by chance, the last days of Graduation in College or should I say destiny finds its way on both of us. Whatever it may be, I'm glad that she crossed my life.

P.S.

I'm on a night shift schedule, I hope I can't fall asleep in my duty.

>Antonski 

Happy Endings

I woke up from a dream.I thought I was in Neverland, a place where people never grew up. I wanted to stay on that place and how I wish the dream never ended.

I took a deep breath and give myself another try. It didn't took long before I fell asleep again, it was just a matter of seconds.

And I saw myself caught in a beautiful place. "Is this utopia?" I asked myself again.It never crossed my mind that a place like this still exist but I was wrong.

Beneath the center of the place was a big castle,surrounded with trees of different shades. It was a place full of smiles,and every people I met seems happy.

It was like Neverland,but its quite different.I saw people of different ages.

I came to ask one of the bystanders outside the castle,curiosity sprouted out and I started to speak.

"Good day mister, What do you call this place? Who lives in that big castle?"

I was full of what if's and questions. I wanted to ask more and suddenly the guy spoked.

"It seems that you are new in this place, this place is called Eternia."

And he added: "In that big castle lives a beautiful princess named Chel." She is the only daughter of the King and Queen, and she is next to the throne."

"Oh well, I see. Thanks for answering my questions sir. It did help me a lot." I replied.

"Could I enter that place?" I added.

"Certainly you can but remember to stay away from the princess".

The conversation ended and I saw myself in the midst of uncertainty. I wanted to go and see what's inside and honestly I really wanted to see the princess the guy was telling.What does she look like, Is she kind enough to talk to people outside her abode? All this things came out of my mind and I can't help myself but feed my curiosity.

I decided to enter and see for myself the princess.

The place was full of people. People of different races, they wore old fashioned clothes, the ones I only saw in movies. I came to ask one of the royal guards where the princess is and he responded:

"Why do you want to see the princess?" "The princess could only speak to noble people"

And he added: "You are wearing a weird clothing sir, are you a prince from another place?"

Then I realized that I was wearing my pajamas, I'm lucky indeed I said to myself.The royal guard had mistaken my pajamas as a noble clothing maybe because pajamas are not common on that place. I never intended to tell a lie, I'm not really a prince or a noble man, I'm just a simple guy caught in a land different from mine.

And I added:

"Hmm. I'm Sir Anton the son of King Thelios the II, I came here to visit the princess."

"I'm very sorry my majesty, the princess' room is at the center of the palace. The door with a golden knob is her room, you can easily recognize her room."

I made my way to the room. I saw the room and with all courage, I gave a knock

A dulcet voice answered: "You may come in"

The voice echoed to the corridor, it was soft but clear. It sounded like an angel but I haven't seen an angel until I opened the room.

And there I saw, one of the prettiest face I've ever seen. I'm not exaggerating on this part. I really did saw an angel caught in a lady's body. She is wearing a lovely gown made of silk. Her hair is short and black.Her eyes are like crystals,shining brightly and one more thing, I can never forget her smiles. She had the sweetest smile that can melt an iceberg.

The princess stared at me and noticed that I was lost in thought. Truly I was held captive of her beauty.

"Sir,still there? she asked with a smile.

"Yes my lady." I responded.

We started conversing about trivial matters. The room was full of chit chats and smiles. And I found myself resting on her arms.I't didn't seem right,it ought to have been the other way around but it wasn't. I realized that I was happy, this is what I wanted. We continued to talk with each other for a long time.

And little by little, I learned a lot about her. Her name was Lady Richelle.She loves watching the stars and she speaks little about herself. She is kind hearted and a loving daughter. She was unique.

The conversation was interrupted by a knock from the door. A man came inside and gave the sweet lady a big hug.

I was really jealous, she had my whole world in his arms.

It was her husband, I never thought that she is already married. It seems that I lose by default.I started to feel a pain that burns a hole inside. How I wish It was just a dream.

Then I woke again in the middle of the cold night with tears in my pillows.

It was just a dream.

Notes:

>The things written above are partly fiction. It shadows my thoughts and feelings.
>I'm tired, all I need is a simple space where I can express my thoughts into writing.
>This past weeks, I started to volunteer to a public hospital in our place.I'm very happy that I'm starting to practice my profession.
>I promise to post every week,hopefully.
>Keep on smiling people.

Antonski

Pinoy Blogosphere

"You're not alone now and welcome to the Blogosphere." this words by kuya jhong had inspired me. Thanks kuya jhong,indeed the pinoy blogosphere is such a big family.

Pinoys are really talented,I believe. The increasing number of pinoy bloggers are the proofs that pinoys are definitely skilled writers. We are all different in every aspects,different writing style,values and beliefs but we share one common thing- our love for writing.

I could say that my writing style was influenced by Richard Bach,the author behind the famous book "Jonathan Livingston Seagull". And ever since I enjoy reading his books and dreamed of someday becoming a great writer. I'm still a novice in writing,my english is not fluent and had lots of grammatical lapses,(the use of verbs,proper positioning of punctuations and the subject verb agreement,etc.).I use hackneyed expressions and cliches and I even sometimes misspelled words,it may sound ironic though but writing makes me happy,so I'll continue doing this no matter what.

And for all of you to know,I am a frustrated journalist and writer but I never regretted becoming a nurse. I have a bright future ahead,I am optimistic of my chosen field because there are lots of opportunities in hand,inside and outside of our country. All I need is to grab this opportunity and continue pursuing my dreams. My profession and my writing can go hand in hand, I can work while writing during my free time. It can both exist in a world where people's expectations are high, those people that are telling me that I can never do such things but I know I can.

The world can impose rules and standards on me but it can never stop me in pursuing my dreams. In the end what matters most is not fame nor popularity and riches but the sense of fulfillment that you choose the things you like most and the life you wanted.

-Antonski

I'll blow your candles

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST SISTER

Hows life up there? Things seems different without you in our house. Its been 2 years since you left. And now it's your 12th birthday but I guess, numbers are not significant up there. God will be giving you a birthday celebration,and I know it will be a big one,Please blow your candles for me and I'll blow your candles down here. We will be celebrating together. Mama will prepare a small salo salo for you.

And I forgot, here's your cake ,hope you like it.

We will be blowing your candles together,at the count of 3.

1......2.....3...... Happy birthday Carla

I know your happy now,and I'm sorry because I can't really send you a real cake.This all I got,if only I could reach you up there,surely you'll be having a real present.

I'm still waiting for your last hug.

-Kuya

Ennui

Boredom is killing me right now.I don't want to get used to this routine.

I need to get a new job or something worth while to do. Hopefully next week, I'll be claiming my nurse license card.

And then I can immediately start my IV therapy training after I get hold of my license,need to get busy.

My post is kinda short, I'm very sorry,this might be the effect of too much boredom.lol

Ciao.

-Antonskie ^_^

A letter sealed with hopes

Dear Mr. Anton Jay Tan,

This thing is urgent and I am sorry for writing to you in the midst of uncertainties. I know you have some personal emotional issues,you have been hiding this past years.It has been very difficult for you to stand alone with this problems,Its not easy to deal with it but in due time,everything will be just fine.

Please understand,It always have bothered me.I tried to hold it off from you for a couple of weeks. It always have tried to get out from within me. I tried to suppress it over and over again though I still tried to, this time I can’t. My emotional guards have just to let it through and Again, please understand.

It seems to me that your living in the shadows of the past. Let go of it. Don't let yourself be consumed by loneliness. As the saying goes:"everything happens for a reason",remember that.

I really pray that as you are reading this, you won't help but smile with satisfaction that you have let God lead you where you need to be. Remember to keep the faith going. I hope you are doing what you've always wanted to do and that you've learned to overcome all the fears that used to stop you from doing what you love most.Never procrastinate. I hope you've learned to build lasting friendships.Learn from the past, my dear friend.And one more thing,tell your lady,your feelings for her.I know its hard to confess your love for her,knowing that she deserves a better guy. You don't want to lose by default aren't you? I know she will be reading this letter too, so goodluck.

And most of all I hope you'll never forget Him. I am hoping that as you read this, you and He still talk and you still let Him take the lead.

I hope you're happy.Send me words that your okay, I'll be waiting.

With love ,
Your twenty one year-old self

P.S. Don't be afraid to fall in love again.

Grave of the fireflies

"And they both perish in a game called war"

I had finally watched the movie Grave of the fireflies,both the anime and live action version. And I would like to give my sincere gratitude to my lovely friend Richelle for recommending me this one of a kind movie.

And all I can say is that the movie was a job well done. It was a very inspiring and thought provoking story of the siblings Setsuko and Seita who were caught in the midst of World war II in Japan.

Random realizations:

Far beyond history is concerned, world war II was one of the most devastating stories ever told. Thousands of innocent lives perished and blood shed all over the world. Even the survivors of this pathetic war reminiscence their experiences, smiling for old pictures that gets emptier each passing day. Reminding them that once,people acted foolishly and selfishly which resulted to the war.

Setsuko and Seita only wanted a simple life but it was impossible during the war. They both died because of hunger,they were innocent and young. The bombing incident in pearl harbor and Hiroshima has caused a lot of people to starve. Both the American and Japanese had their share of responsibility in the war. And who are we to blame them? We are all victims of war, I believe.

Until know, we are all facing a war, not literally a war were men killed each other in order to survive but the war in which violence, hunger and most of all hatred still exist.

I came to realized that I am so lucky because I don't have to bother about the basic necessities of life. I graduated from a good school, I eat three times a day and I live in a comfortable house. My mother had provided me with all the things I needed but under the same bright blue sky, many are suffering from the threats of hunger,inequality and poverty.

God is indeed so good,Thank God.

-Anton

A street car named desire

"And she rode a street car named desire,leaving everything behind."

A street car named desire is a play written by Thomas Williams, It centers on a desolated woman named Blanche DuBois. Reared in Old South aristocratic traditions, she lived elegantly in the family homestead, married a man she adored, and pursued a career as an English teacher. But her life fell apart when she discovered that her husband, Allen Grey, was having a homosexual affair. Disgraced, he killed himself. Blanche sought comfort in the arms of other men, many men. After she had relations with one of her students, a 17-year-old, authorities learned of the encounter and fired her. Meanwhile, relatives died and she could not keep up the family home. Eventually, creditors seized it. The play begins when Blanche arrives in New Orleans to stay with her sister, Stella, and her crude, outspoken husband, Stanley Kowalski. Though scarred by her past, Blanche still tries to lead the life of an elegant lady and does her best, even lying when necessary, to keep up appearances.

Points to ponder:

The play was full of quotations,metaphors and symbolism. The streetcar that Blanche rode that was named desire was actually her inner desires. She wanted to break free from the past and live in a world of her own fantasies.

She thought she was the queen,the Lady of the roses but it was only her delusions and her sanity is slowly taking her.

Blanche lives in a cocoon of unreality to protect herself against her weaknesses and shortcomings. including her inability to repress untoward sexual desire. To preserve her ego, she lies about her promiscuous behavior in Laurel,she shuns bright light, lest it reveal her physical imperfections and she refuses to acknowledge her problem with alcohol.

The same way, we people use lies to deceit others,popularity to gain own interest. Basic human instinct, I called it. We are all somewhat like Blanche who hides behind our own made masks.

Facing the truth,hard it may be and accepting things that are beyond our thinking are some of life's lesson hidden in the play. We need to acknowledge our own being and stop pretending to be like others.

It's ironic to say that, we sometimes wish we are someone else,or doing something we never really wanted.

Frustrations come and go,lies are everywhere and precious moments doesn't last for a life time.

So smile often,take off that mask and took a lot of pictures. Write something you wanted and express your thoughts often. Carpe diem(Seize the day).

We don't like to lose our sanity like Blanche.I hope it makes sense.

And to end this blog with a quote from Blanche

"I was on the verge of — lunacy, almost!"

Rainy days

It was raining hard this past days,until now.

This might be nature's way of reminding the people to take good care of our habitat.

The electricity's out and slowly the day is covered with darkness. And as I opened the television as soon as the electricity was back,I was dumbstruck to saw in the news about the casualties of the typhoon that strike manila.

The number of casualties is still growing and a number of properties had been destroyed,sad to say.

We Filipinos are really weird, I guess so.On one hand, our nation had its common love for our Lord Jesus Christ,with churches filled with parishioners every Sunday. As I remember, our country is more than 85 percent Roman Catholics and Christians. Therefore that the Philippines is almost 85 percent heaven.Simplistic,perhaps but it sounds logical. And as I know the Philippines is the only Catholic nation in asia but it seems we are far pathetic than our neighboring countries maybe because of our lack of faith.

This typhoon had given us a lesson,never to abuse God's given gifts. We can't blame the river to flow or the streets to be flooded. Each of us is held responsible of our own doings.

Tons of garbage thrown in the rivers,squatter colonies are everywhere, I see billboards promoting sex and violence while attempting to promote products.Where are our Christian values people?

God has made stewards of His Creation but why are we destroying it?

Are we still Christians, or mere individuals who only care for ourself?

So many what ifs. and questions.

I hope we Filipinos had already learned something from this incident.

Positive views on the typhoon:

When I was little, I wanted what many normal children all over the country wanted. I wanted to have good clothes, many friends and a simple life with my family.

I also wanted everything even the moon who shines bright every night.I was still a child back then but I believe I can be a prince of my own world.

And I thought- if I just wished hard enough and was good enough, I'd wake up one day with all this dreams of my nostalgic childhood in reality.

And this typhoon had relieved my childhood experiences.This are the things I've been yearning for so long-quality time with my family.

I admire those family who lives under one roof,sharing warm cooked foods, contented with the simple things that they have. My childhood memories are still within me, until now. I have kept this so called childhood contentment.

I have been longing to be a child again, a child that is loved and cared for.

Because of the typhoon-

We had shared once again warm cooked foods under a single light from a candle.

It was simple but I was happy,very very happy.

Simple things are often ignored,people are consumed by materialistic possessions.

But for me,precious times matters most.

Thank you typhoon,you had given me another realization.

Rainy days,come and visit us again, I'll be always ready.

-Anton a.k.a. tonski

Monotonous

When he died, Juan found himself in an exquisite place, surrounded by all the comfort and beauty he had always dreamed of. A man dressed in white spoke to him:

‘You can have anything you want, any food, any pleasure, any diversion,’ he said.

Delighted, Juan did everything he had dreamed of doing while alive.
Then, after many years of pleasure, he again searched out the man in
white.

‘I’ve done everything I wanted to do. Now I need a job, so that I can feel useful,’ he said.

‘I’m sorry,’ replied the man in white. ‘But that is the one thing I can’t give you; there is no work here.’

‘How awful!’ said Juan angrily. ‘That means I’ll spend all eternity bored to death! I wish I was in Hell!’

The man in white came over to him and said softly:

‘And where exactly do you think you are, sir?’

Random things:

The little prince once quoted that: "My life is monotonous", was he trying to say that life become so boring or should I say life become meaningless.

I pity the little prince but I pity myself more,I can't find something to hold on to and I can't blame the little prince for feeling the same way that I did.

Still hoping for the best.

-Antonski

P.S. "To my beloved sister Carla,Thank you for teaching me how to dance in the rain" I don't want to forget my childhood simplicity you taught me, I don't like to act like a foolish adult who are only interested with investments,figures and popularity.

Wait for me up there,surely I'll be coming there soon.

A simple doll

This is an excerpt from the book I had written,titled:
A long road to forever

Chapter 4
A simple doll

It was late midnight in the streets of Westminster, Anton was driving around waiting for passengers. The gas meter was turning low and Anton needed to find a gasoline station for a refill.

Luckily, gas stations are found in every corner in the streets of Westminster. Anton found the nearest gas station, he had parked his car and made his gasoline full tank.The gas station where he had parked his cab has a nearby supermarket. Anton decided to buy some drinks and refreshments before he go.

As he enters the supermarket he saw all the people there. It was late midnight but still many people are buying stuffs.

He started to complain to himself.

“It is going to take forever here and I still have so many other things to do.”

Nonetheless, he made his way to the refreshments section, he grabbed some sodas and went immediately to the cashier but while on his way to the cashier, He had gone through the toy section and there he noticed a young boy.

The boy caught his attention. The boy of about 7 years old, was pressing a doll against his chest. He kept on touching the hair of the doll and looked so sad.

Anton was thinking why the little boy wanted that doll considering he was a boy.

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him,

“Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?”

Then she asked him to stay here for 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, Anton started to walk toward him and I asked him who he wanted to give this doll to.

“Today is my sister’s birthday.” The boy said.

“It is the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for her birthday.”

“You can buy your sister a doll next year. You can save some money for the whole year and buy a bigger doll instead.” Anton replied.

The boy immediately replied.

“No, I have to give this doll to my father so that he can give it to her when he goes there.”

His eyes were so sad while saying this.

“My sister has gone to be with God. Mommy says that Daddy will also go to see God very soon, so I thought that he could bring the doll with her to give it to my sister.”

Anton’s heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at him and said.

“I told mommy to tell daddy not to go yet. I asked daddy to wait until I come back from the supermarket.”

Then he showed Anton a very nice photo of him where he was laughing.

He then told Anton, “I also want daddy to take this photo with him so that they will not forget me.”

“I love my daddy and I wish he doesn't have to leave me but mommy says that he has to go to be with my little sister.”

Then the little boy looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. Anton quickly reached for his wallet and took a few cash and said to the boy, “What if we checked again, just in case if you have enough money?”

“Ok,” he said. “I hope that I have enough.”

Anton added some of his money to the boy’s money without him seeing and they started to count it.
There was enough for the doll, and even some spare money.

The little boy’s eye grew big, like a puppy’s eye.

Then he said, “Thank you God for giving me enough money.”

He looked at Anton and added.

“I asked yesterday before I slept for God to make sure I have enough money to buy this doll so that daddy can give it to my sister. He heard me.”

“I also wanted to have enough money to buy a handkerchief for my daddy, but I didn't dare to ask God too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and the handkerchief.”

“You know, my daddy needs a handkerchief up there.”

A few minutes later, the old lady came again and Anton left with his trolley filled with sodas. He went to the cashier in a totally different state. He couldn't get the little boy out of his mind.

Then he remembered a local newspaper article 2 days ago, which mentioned of a drunk man in a truck who hit a car where there was one man and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the father was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-assisting machine, because the man would not be able to get out of the coma.

He was thinking ..Was this the family of the little boy?

Anton went out of the supermarket and started to drive. His mind was really bothering him and he wanted to find out if his instincts are true.

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, He read in the newspaper that a man had passed away. He couldn't stop and went to buy a bunch of white roses and he went to the mortuary where the body of the young man was exposed for people to see and make last wish before burial.

Anton knew the place, without hesitation, he drive immediately to the place.

He was there, in his coffin, holding a beautiful handkerchief in his hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over his chest.

Anton left the place crying, He realized that in a fraction of a second, a drunken man had taken all away the child’s family, leaving the child only his mother. That man had taken the little boy's happiness.

Back from hiatus

It's been a while since I posted an entry to my blogspot. I'm back from a long hiatus because I had realized that I have been a slave of this so called "computer". Everyday I need to open my emails,friendster account and other social network sites. It seems that my life revolves around technology and I don't want to wake up one morning,as a slave of this freaking gadgets or should I say technological advancement.

And most of you know the social network site twitter,honestly I thinks it's stupid.

For those who don't know what it is, Twitter is a social site where anyone and everyone can post short messages about what they are doing at any given time. This may sound cynical, nonsense or even rude, but I honestly don't care what most people are doing every five minutes. I don't even pay attention to what I am doing every five minutes, let alone go out of my way to post about it.And what I mean is,people are so focused on this social sites,forgetting other important matters.How I wish people could realize this.

And another thing,I just recently turned 21,lol.Time flies so fast and I'm still gliding on to life without a clue.

Cheers tonski.Remember to stay happy, oh well I'm talking to myself again haha.

Random things:

Recently I've been doing some thinking and much of this thinking revolves around the idea of "home". I'm not talking about the differences of home from house. I'm talking about the deeper sense of the word. Home, as I have always seen it, is a place where you know you belong.

I don't have that. At least not by that definition. I was born in Makati and grew up in the center of distractions and modernization,Manila.My parents have since moved back there and the majority of my relatives had gone to Manila searching for job opportunities. When I go back to visit my province which is Leyte,I truly enjoy it. It's a place where I can get away from most things, time slows a bit and relaxation is much easier. Is this my home? It was, but I can honestly say I doubt I could ever live there again. It's too small, too different. I love it there, but it is less my home and more of my sanctuary.

Is everyone meant to have a home? I honestly can't picture a place right now where I can say, "That is my home, that is where I'm meant to be." Maybe that's the point, I haven't found a home yet. I don't have the feeling of home because I have yet to find the place I'm meant to be.

On for now, I believe my home is where my feet touch the ground.

-Antonski

Tears in Heaven

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
(Matthew 11:28)

ECG's flat,Vital signs are down and negative signs of life. She left us last February 16,2008. It was only last year.She was young,full of life and dreams. She was our life.

God took her from us.I know He had a reason for taking away my precious sister. Maybe Carla needed eternal rest too, and He gave it to her.

I'm still longing for my younger sister's smiles and hugs. I miss her.

And I know everytime it rains, my sister is crying up there, maybe because she misses us too.

And for all those reading this blog,everytime it rains,look up in the sky and ask yourselves:Isn't it hard to catch all those falling tears?

It may sound absurd and no grown up will ever understand this matter of great importance.

But I do...

And now a year have already gone by,I have never yet told this story, only a few may know this.

Now my sorrow is comforted a little,not entirely.

This is to me, the loveliest and loneliest picture in earth,not everyone may approve it but for me,it really does.

Everytime I look at this picture, I can't help myself but cry.

Look at it carefully so that you will surely recognize it in case you go places. My sister is the young girl at the left of the picture. Then if ever you saw someone resembling like her,you would know who she is. Please comfort me and send me words that she has come back.

I know she will give me one last hug.

-Anton

September blues

Don't know how to start but it seems that,thoughts are coming out of my mind.

In a few days I'll be turning 21 and I'm as clueless as ever as to where my life is going right now. For starters, I've been working for a couple of months now and yet the only thing I can say I truly owned would be my cellphone. Yes, you heard it right, just my cellphone.

I had lived in a closely knitted family.My mother had been very supportive maybe that’s why I feel invincible sometimes. I was never afraid to take chances because I know when I fail, I can always take my refuge at home. I really love having options or should I say plan B's. The feeling that you can and you have the power to change the course of your life at your hand.

I already had some trainings recently, my basic life support with cpr in Red cross manila was the latest because I have this urge to keep myself busy,routines are killing me. It seems that my life is monotonous and everyday I'm searching for something,something that will give meaning to my existence.

Seriously though, I feel like I'm gliding through life without a clue. My so called "memory blues" are attacking me again and can't help myself but to write, write and write until I express my thoughts into words.

Everyday I face the world with a big smile,pretending I'm just fine but deep inside there is this piece of loneliness. Maybe I've mastered the ability to block away any pain and I've successfully taught myself to be used to being left behind. I may sound pathetic but it's quite true.

This pain hurts badly, And now, I can't stop this tears from falling.,it sucks...my life sucks...everything sucks. I don't want to force anything anymore. I don't want to settle with anything that comes my way thinking that I would never get a chance to have one again. Then regret everything later.

September blues...leave me alone.

And for once, i just want to be happy again just like the good old days of my childhood.

-anton

A box full of kisses

The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said,

"This is for you, Daddy."

The man was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found out the box was empty. He yelled at her,stating,

"Don’t you know, when you give someone a present, there is
supposed to be something inside?

The little girl looked up at him with
tears in her eyes and cried, "Oh, Daddy, it’s not empty at all. I blew
kisses into the box. They’re all for you, Daddy."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.

Only a short time later, an accident took the life of the child. It is also told that her father kept that gold box by his bed for many years and, whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

"In a very real sense, each one of us, as humans beings, have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses…from our children, family members, friends, and God. There is simply no other possession, anyone could hold, more precious than this."

Just a little more

"When I noticed I was thinking about you...
I felt very embarrassed
And I really hate that feeling
That's because I'm afraid to convey my feelings"

atama de osaetsukete mo kokoro ga dousuru koto mo dekinakute
autabi ni kimi ni satorarenai youni

mou sukoshi... mou sukoshi...
kimi no kokoro ni chikazuitara

Just a little more, I know destiny will find its way on both of us.
I hope so...

My Lady

When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side until I realize that in love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feeling and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.

Could this be love or just a mere thought of infatuation?

My sweet lady,if only I could know you more and express my sincere admiration of your beauty.

But deep inside I'm afraid to tell you what I feel.

I've learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to this feeling, knowing that your with me, even when your not by my side.

I'll be silently watching over you and catch you everytime you fall.

-Anton

P.S.
How I wish you could read this blog, I miss you too.
You might had guessed who you are and deep inside I'll be happy if you did.
"Ingat ka prati tonski".. you're just too sweet

Smile

There's someone in my life who always puts a smile on my face.

I realized that yesterday.

I was so tired and down after a day at work. It seems I'm worthless suddenly she texted me...

"Imissyou tonton..ü"

you guessed it right, everything melted away. I suddenly smiled.

Have you ever felt that feeling that you just know someone cares and loves you without even saying it?

And the best part, she doesn't have to...you just know. vice versa. And that's enough.

No labels. No obligations. Just plain friendship.

Cherish every moment, I had realized that even a simple text can brighten up my weary day.


"The night is turning darker, the moon shines from above and the trees are slowly shaking to the beat of tranquility."

-Anton

Stitches and burns

People say that I'm a fool
Well I don't know
At least I found out
what it takes to be strong

Say good morning to the world
I hope you like it
take good care of all those
things that we have

I've been looking for a way
because it
seems like everything
must come to an end

Now I don't want
to see you anymore

Don't want to be the one
to play your game

Not even if you smile
your sweetest smile

Not even if you beg me
darling please

Time after time
nothing that I can do

Knowing your ways
and loving your ways

But not getting through at all
Day after day
leaving the past behind

Coming to terms
with stitches and burns
Learning to fly again

* Being me is what got me there. I will not change a thing just to get ahead. This might be the time to move forward and make it through all the pain.

Leave all the bitterness behind and come out of this as a better Anton.

Canon in D

Everythings new

Thank God, I passed the national local licensure exam for nurses.

Indeed, God is really great.

My first blog post for this site..

Everythings new, or should I say another nascence of my humble life here on earth

Cheers Anton Jay Tan, R.N.